Author Archives: Grounds for Clarity

About Grounds for Clarity

I want this to be a safe space to share my goings-on while I dig deep into my journey of self-discovery. What brings me to my desire to share my journey? I wish to provide life-coaching services to others. I coach to help others uncover what it is that is holding them back from accomplishing what is dearest in their hearts, spirit and minds. I am currently a student at iPEC, Institute of Professional Excellence in coaching. I am determined to disseminate my coaching services to all those interested. While I coach, I also would like to share bits and pieces of what it is that I do as a life coach-to-be and inversely, what I do not do. I am an imagineer, at your service. That is the best way I can describe a life coach to you. As a life coach-to-be, I can teach you how to think outside the box, consider alternative perspectives and reflect on what influences your thoughts. If any of this sounds like something you are experiencing, what is stopping you from moving forward? A space to message me may be found on the middle menu option on my home page. I acknowledge, appreciate and embody gratitude for each and every one of you and the struggles which you endeavour each and every moment. No one is a stranger to adversity. We can all overcome adversity because of our combined diversity. Thank you for contributing your time into our growing and collective, worldly diversity. Endearingly yours, Kim

My own F.O.M.O. in my coaching journey

iPEC — Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching…is a game-changer for me. Everything I told myself I ever desired, ever, or expressed interest in..was within range for my personal viewing. I mean, this sounds like it would be a great place to be, right? Getting clarity on my desires, wants, dreams, wishes..If I could be honest with you, it was an extremely violating experience for me. I felt so raw, burnt, throttled, and in a place of absolute humiliation. Let me take you through my timeline so you can get a sense of the cumulative pain I experienced, I weathered, which bubbled to the surface with every grueling weekend with others training to become certified professional coaches.

NOTE: iPEC knowledge was spread across time among three Modules. Each module comprised three days and within each day, were about 7.5 hours of coaching learning.

July 2018: MODULE I  Pain, pain and more pain. Head on a chopping block..No gain. I hated myself more than I already did. Was it really me I hated or was it something deeper? I have no idea at this point. I just felt miserable and in a state of mind of insatiable injustice.

October 2018: MODULE II I felt much more down-to-earth with my amount of emotional pain, the cycles of self-sabotage made so tangible to me since Module I. Being reminded of it no longer antagonized me to a state of mental exhaustion. I felt I was rubbing shoulders with my inner demons, inner messages…what held me back from what I wanted to pursue.

January 2019: MODULE III now I was facing my messages, my demons, my past, my lurking future. All of my past thoughts, beliefs, experiences, insecurities became physical, palpable and really what it boiled down to was my attitude. I used to believe there were cultural thresholds, financial statuses, ethnic limitations upon what attitudes were at my disposal to adopt. I didn’t feel allowed to certain attitudes. I am still processing this shift in mindset.

My takeaway? I missed out on life; life passed me by, and I was definitely feeling, “Shoulda, woulda, coulda,” when I noticed I adopted an attitude that really didn’t keep me moving forward in any way. These past experiences, beliefs, thoughts, emotions, feelings…blinded me from reaching out to opportunities to experiment, to dream and to enjoy even the little things. I previously did nothing about it because I was ABSOLUTELY unaware about my having a “problem.” That, my friends, is when I co-created my own self-fulfilling prophecy. Turns out, attitude withheld horizons, people, change, from me. My attitude kept jobs from me. My attitude kept dreams from me. My attitude pushed people away from me. My attitude had the potential to elevate others and also bring others to my level, even those that had no interest in being in the emotional rally what was my perception of my reality; I sucked people into my dark, and cold reality.

I am still learning and growing, from EVERYONE no matter their relation to me. Others are mirrors for my attitude. I love this lesson I gained from iPEC, from life, from others. Applying it, is a lifelong journey. Embodying change is and remains to be one of the most difficult decisions but also the most simple ever that I have decided to make. I want to live my life.

What is your thought about what I just shared?

Endearingly,

Kim

F.O.M.O.; Fear of Missing Out

What personality type is immune to the F.O.M.O. syndrome? None. As far as I can recollect, none. What area in your life do you believe you experience F.O.M.O.? Up until recently, I believed I experienced it primarily in my personal life always wondering if I was trying enough, doing enough, being enough. It turns out all of that F.O.M.O. I previously believed was isolated, wasn’t isolated at all…it bled into ALL aspects of my life. That. Is unsettling.

The opposite of F.O.M.O. is “settling.” I wonder, where in my life could I be settling instead of feeling like the grass is greener on the other side? What am I compromising if I were to pursue the lifestyle I believe to be settling? Something heavy I have been considering over the past four months or so is…is my personality fear-based? Do I constantly make decisions stemming from fear? Am I conscious of that? Are you? How much of your life is a rendition of a fear-based life? Scary thought..in which case maybe there is a new F.O.M.O., of the opposite and true life screaming at you to grab it. Basically what I am getting at here is what are you so afraid of either way?

Let’s press pause on this F.O.M.O. topic and speak of lighter things. Bring your focus to where you are right now. Take a look at your posture, shift your feet, look where your hands are, and feel where your heart is. Take a deep breath…and slowly…exhale…and breathe normally. Divert your attention to where you are carrying all of your tension, check in on your anxiety levels, acknowledge these things and allow them to just BE. Make a request to these tense and anxious forces in your body for just a few moments for yourself, to be calm, be still and to consider something what could be really beneficial for you. Now, imagine that 24 hours from now, something has changed in your environment, you are unsure what it is. Everything is in its order. You sense a different smell in the air electric. The day has just begun. The energy is bursting through you and what you felt in the past 24 hours no longer exists. What is it that you are feeling right now? How are you feeling toward what was causing the tension and anxiety in your body?

Please take your time and recognize your body in space and time as you come to. Take note of the feelings and ideas that may have come up for you.

Press play on the F.O.M.O. button. For those that may be new to the acronym, F.O.M.O. stands for Fear of Missing Out. Anxiety comes forth on the basis of an obsession with and constant partaking in updates of what everyone else is doing in their life. I just looked up a picture of a likely equal and opposite force and would like your take on it, as far as it concerns your personality:

Related image

J.O.M.O. stands for Joy of Missing Out. Ponder…What is the most important thing for you to feel RIGHT NOW?

We may have our personalities but at the end of the day, what defines our present is how much we allow our fear to hold us back from feeling emotions that we truly desire. Today, determine how you wish to feel and do not hold back. Find that inner calm and true joy so it feels like you are always doing something that you want to do. If you can, take those microsteps toward reaching for something you yearn to do so badly that the F.O.M.O. is apprehensive of you. Reach for J.O.M.O.. In the meantime, if any of this really spoke to you, I invite you to speak to me. I would love to hear your thoughts on what I had to say today.

Boundaries

Hello everyone and thank you for stopping by. Sarah and I have the privilege of bringing to you a look into boundaries and what they can do for you. We decided that this is not an extensive or exhaustive intercultural or inter-generational list and is also not a substitute for receiving help from a licensed therapist or counselour. We wish to shed light on our personal experiences with boundaries and what has worked, what hasn’t and how that aligns with principles set forth with those licensed and with relevant education. Without further ado, here is Sarah, my co-blog writer, introducing herself:

“I’m Sarah and I’m the founder of Empowered by Sarah- a women’s life coaching service. By coaching women all over the world, I serve to make a difference one beautiful soul at a time. I coach to empower women to lead their FULLEST lives through mental and physical fulfillment, untangle the web of who society has told you to be and to find out who YOU are. I am here as your guide and confidante to help you discover that the answer to these lie within you, regardless of the twists and turns your path may have taken, or the valleys and mountains you have had to traverse. Together, we will discover and navigate through your deepest rooted emotions and past traumas, spirituality, relationships, intimacy, sexuality and well-being. We will work to uncover the core of your soul as it was meant to be- no guilt, no shame, no apprehensions but with true confidence and power. “

To prepare for the article, Sarah and I have read emotional management and emotionally spent as a spring board for our discussion on boundaries. For the full outline of what boundaries are, how to identify them and how you can recreate them, Visit her at Empowered by Sarah.

Note: Sarah and I will be dropping a word maybe unfamiliar to you.

Gremlin: Your inner critic that tells you, in one way or another, that you’re not good enough.

It is our hope that we can help you realize that we all have our gremlins and this is not something that needs to hold us back from living our lives.

Emotional management embodies how we invest our individual energies in expressing feeling, emotion, action, inaction. Factors in our lives impact how we think, feel, sense and engage within our perceived worlds and how we perceive ourselves within it. How we choose to show up ultimately determines our ability to follow through on any tangible or intangible circumstance in our lives. At this point, boundaries come into play. We feel bad therefore something must be wrong. It is completely normal to feel bad because that is as part of being human as the warm and fuzzy stuff. Realistically, though, boundaries help us treat ourselves better. Boundaries are part of navigating our way around our emotional state.

Sarah and I realize there are discrepancies across cultures and generations as far as boundaries are concerned. As far as our own upbringings, we are both born and raised in America and can share what anecdotes we have regarding our experiences here. What we sense, is that a lack of boundaries is more of a personal responsibility not so much as another’s person or things trespasses. We essentially lack boundaries for ourselves and we are at the mercy of circumstances rather than CHOOSING how to feel. We talked about how, so often, we leave these scripts to ourselves uncorrected, we then turn to our internal negative voice obeying our script to believe things that just aren’t true for ourselves and our potential in life. News flash: everyone does this. Boundaries could truly come into play here. Talking about needing boundaries with ourselves is nothing to be ashamed of and that is why I choose to collaborate voices with Ms. Crisp so you can realize despite our diversity, our humanity is as one.  

Being emotionally spent is the act of feeding our thoughts, feelings and emotions into untrue beliefs about ourselves, or others.  We fall prey to negative thoughts and feelings existing in our hearts and minds, and it leaves us feeling exhausted, upended, bitter, sad and jaded. We are the driving force behind feeling emotionally spent. You may recognize being emotionally spent when you are constantly feeling provoked, you fight, push back and get left feeling worse than when you started. Perhaps, out of entitlement or pride, self-loathing, low self-esteem or something more, we continue to do this. We all get our buttons pushed and have reacted to it before. This habitual behavior can lead us to options like pointing the blame, projecting, accepting or settling with an outcome, and reverberating in that angry mob mentality — we see what we feel inside — and we feel bad so let’s all feel bad because we can.

Here are Sarah’s thoughts on emotional management, being emotionally spent and boundaries.

K [This is me]: What does emotional management mean for you?
S [This is Sarah]: Having boundaries because they allow you to create time and space for yourself to nourish your mental, physical and emotional needs.

K: How do you become emotionally spent?
S: One can become emotionally spent from having a lack of boundaries with self, parents, co-workers, friends, partners.

K: What can having a lack of boundaries look like?
S: These things can show up differently depending on the context and what your relationship may be with the person involved. Feeling the need to overexert oneself to ‘fix’ others or to ensure their happiness or well-being. Suppressing emotions in fear of hurting or upsetting other reactions. Lapsing into unhealthy communication styles (i.e. yelling, gaslighting, blaming) where your needs are not expressed or unheard. Feeling exhausted from consistently fulfilling demands or requests from friends or family. Constantly jumping in to mediate situations between self and or others to ensure all parties are happy AKA peacekeeping.  Often telling others “That’s okay,” “Don’t worry,” “No problem,” when there actually is an issue. Prioritizing others’ needs before your own, making time for others but not for yourself. Wanting to appear “easy,” agreeable or compliant at all times. Consistently going out of your way to do things for others.

K: What are common feelings and emotions that come up when you do not set boundaries?
S: Feeling drained, feeling resentment, lack of energy, dull, numb, irritable, tired, sick, defensive or anxious.

K: What ideas (gremlins) can be associated with these lack of boundaries?
S: Feeling unworthy of love, often stemming from a lack of self-love, fear of rejection, abandonment attachments, feeling that it is not okay to express yourself or others will become upset or dislike you, fear of appearing, and the need for acknowledgment and or validation through others.

Overall, Sarah senses that our actions stem from these “gremlins” and patterns that may have been modeled (or lack thereof) from childhood. [In other words] did we feel unappreciated as a child? [Were we] fighting for attention and compensating for this by becoming people pleasing? etc..

K: How can we help others to realize the physical hold an idea (gremlin) can have on us?
S: Self work (books, coaching, therapy, healing, retreats). Figure out what your boundaries actually are by becoming aware of your emotions when they come up — What are you feeling in your body? What thoughts are you thinking? Practice awareness: recognizing in which patterns, situations, your gremlins tend to arise. Are these patterns you can recognize from somewhere such as childhood, a past abusive relationship, etc.. [Ask yourself] how are they showing up now? [Ask yourself] how is that serving you? Give yourself permission to express your boundaries. Start with the small things until you are more comfortable! Practice clear communication with others using, “I feel…when you….” statements (avoid blaming or shaming, keep the conversation about yourself). Be direct about what you are communicating and asking for. Taking responsibility for your feelings and gremlins, learning not to take things personally. Releasing gremlins and clearing your energy by expressing emotions in safe environments, doing energy healing work, journaling, being physically active. Seek support — bonding with a tribe of other men and women, etc..

K: What are common feelings and emotions when you do set boundaries?
S: Self-love, nourishment, excitement, energy, fulfillment, a positive mindset, peace, calm.

For me, I feel boundaries flux and flow depending on what I feel I can or cannot do in any given circumstance. If I feel I am able to be there for another and not take what they are going through personally, I am willing to and able to be present for them in a compassionate and caring way. If There are other factors influencing me, rendering me somewhere else, it is difficult for me to be present for another, even in an affirming capacity when they gave gone through something uplifting. Trust your gut and stand up for yourself if you feel for certain the challenge in any interaction lies within you, realize that you have that power to be kind to yourself, and honest, about how you are feeling. There is a time and place for feeling well, feeling unwell, feeling uncertain, and feeling a mixture of any of these. It is up to you to decide what feels right for you.

Perhaps, you are in your comfort zone and reading all of this is uncomfortable for you. That is okay. Maybe you feel riled up, affirmed, comforted, apathetic, who knows? Only you, or someone you plan on telling in the next few moments. You can even contact Sarah or I; we would be honored to hear more about what feelings are coming up for you.

Here is more about Sarah before we close the end of November.

K: What is one time you can think of where you gave in to that lurking voice inside your head?
S
One of my tendencies as a young adult was to often fall into a people-pleasing mode. For me this meant packing my schedule with events, meetings, dates or whatever it might be to make sure that I was surrounded by others. It was very important to me that they ‘liked me’, and at the time, the only way I knew how to achieve this was to please them. This often resulted in me being at other’s disposal, whether they liked it or not. I was constantly going out of my way to do things for others, paying for things, overbooking myself so that I could say ‘yes’ to every invitation.

K: What are your thoughts and feelings about that experience you had?
S
If I’m not going out of my way to please someone, they will dislike me and therefore I am not worthy of love.

One last question I asked Sarah, that you can find the answer for yourself by reaching out to her, is below:

K: Having the knowledge and experience you do now, let us give you the chance to revisit yourself in that moment. What would you say to yourself to help process through that experience?

Join me in thanking Sarah for opening up and sharing your truest feelings about the topic on boundaries. Sarah, thank you for being present and taking the time to reveal to us some nuggets that have worked for you in creating healthy boundaries for yourself in your journey through life.

We all have boundaries, spoken, unspoken, conscious, subconscious. There is a double-edged sword to creating boundaries which Sarah and I communicated through our discourse. Boundaries we exercise which are relayed to us in our younger years serves as a heavy influence in how we engage with phenomena, both tangible and intangible. Practicing self-awareness, and finding others you trust, is a great starting point and foundation for finding answers when creating boundaries. We believe in you. You are awesome. You are amazing and you CAN.

If you wish to connect with Sarah and you do not have a facebook and you have an instagram, please find me here. If you wish to connect with me and share what is on your mind, you can follow the same clickable link and send me a message of what your heart is telling you to share. Thank you for all the love and support from iPEC family members, friends, loved ones and thank you, Ms. Crisp, for choosing to share this space with me. Here’s to the culmination of 2018.

“I” Statements

I wrote down three things I am grateful for this morning.

I feel happy.

I ate breakfast.

I spoke lovelies to my partner.

I have MOD II of III for iPEC© training. I am super excited and looking forward to breaking some serious ground for myself. I am even more excited that I planned Monday to be a beach day. I am living life completely different ever since I began this coaching program back in July.

These are all “I” statements but not the ones I wanted to speak on.

Visualize with me. You have a situation that didn’t pan out warm and fuzzy. You acted on your emotions when you got into a heated discussion with someone. Think of what that person looks like and who they are. What did you feel? What emotions came up for you? Under what pretenses did you say what you say? What unspoken communication did you opt for? Hold onto these thoughts and consider your responses for later in this article. For now, something amusing and relate-able.

There was a relationship niche webinar for school which I attended last week and I still feel laughter waiting to bubble up. What the trainer shared was a snippet of their coaching session. They recounted an early client case involving a couple. Ground rules were established to use “I” statements communicating dissatisfaction with the client’s partner’s behavior rather than their character. The client says to their partner, “You are a jerk for not taking out the trash.” The coach said, “Please reframe that in the form of an ‘I’ statement and remember to comment on their behavior rather than their character.” Client says, “I feel like you are a jerk for not taking out the trash.” Unbeknownst to everyone in attendance of the webinar, I burst out laughing and it felt great. I really appreciate the story the trainer shared and it really spoke to me because I have done the exact same thing that client had done! I do that all the time: attack someone’s character and place the blame on them for getting me in my feelings.

The order of operations that we are taught is to immediately react and if the other person doesn’t acquiesce to our dissatisfaction or unspoken communication, we want to cut ties. Well, what if I asked you what brought you to feel the way you do? What emotions are coming up for you when in the heat of the moment? What is really pushing your buttons here? Get ready to retrieve your visualization from earlier.

A couple I coached when I first started would point fingers and place blame and state that the other person is doing ‘this’ instead of doing ‘that’ because ‘that over there.’ I ask, “How do you know this is true?” Sometimes, we do not realize that we are ignoring what is right in front of our face: we do not actually know because we do not ask. Recall what you envisioned early on in this article. Consider applying this procedure and re-envision how the interaction turns out:

  1. Reframe your thought and speak it into existence: When ______________ happens, I feel  _________________________.
  2. I would like more/ less of(less / more of) ________________________ from you because __________________.

General ground rules can be openly discussed and there is absolutely no shame in communicating expectations. Having expectations is normal and being attached to outcomes of those expectations not being met is what we have all experienced; it is not a comfortable place to be in and it is completely understandable why you may be feeling disappointment and frustration.

When it boils down to it, what could YOU be doing more of and what could you be doing less of? What is it costing you to ignore, blame or cut off another person? Using “I” statements and emphasizing a behavior you or another as being a block for you can shift your perspective and see what is actually going on.

Emotional Management

What thoughts does the word ’emotions’ evoke for you? Emotions are highly diverse, intricate and tightly woven in with our personal histories, present experiences and future concerns. Feeling like emotions are in the driver’s seat, so to speak, is completely normal. At what point may we consider putting another force in the driver’s seat. What drives your emotions? In a recent webinar for coaching, I learned that emotions can be channeled to work for us and not against us. Oft times, we allow our emotions to become instigated by internal and external voices bringing us to transfer blame, to ignore or to want to run away from what is provoking deep internalized feelings of guilt, fear, sadness or other. What instigates our emotions? In other words, what is pushing our buttons?

When discussing with a client what they would like to work on in session, there are a plethora of opportunities to work through, many of which carry some internal pressures accumulated over time. Perhaps stress, fatigue, or even suppressed feelings and emotions toward someone or something. The trifecta of emotions, thoughts and feelings  inhabit the two types of energies in the universe: positive and negative. Negative energy tears down and initiates a state of atrophy, whereas positive energy builds up and elevates a state of existence into a higher power. Across all clients, the pattern is us allowing our buttons to be pushed and falling into a tailspin while channeling ‘negative’ energy. We have all experienced this tailspin from ‘negative’ energy and it makes complete sense why we become incomprehensible to ourselves and incidentally emotionally spent. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. One of my mentors states that we become comfortable in our self-destructive ways. If we fall yesterday, then we shall get back up today. What is it costing you to be in a perpetual state of emotional mismanagement?