Growing up in my household, I quickly learned which emotions elicited which responses. I learned emotional manipulation. One particular emotion that always got me trouble was my anger. My anger was seen as a form of insubordination, seen as un-cute, unfounded and unnecessary. When I revealed even a speck of anger whether it was through shedding tears, screaming, I was spanked, banished to my room, told to be quiet or told to leave the house if I didn’t like it. I did not see this kind of interaction at my friends’ houses. Even as the years went on, I saw no others going through what I did.
As I graduated from college, learned about gaslighting and that I was supposed to be competent now, holding down jobs, using my education and taking care of myself. It took all I had to wonder if there were others out there like me that experienced emotional quandary. One of the major triggers for me was, “You are overreacting.”
I started to experience more crying spells, even during work, in my home, in conversations with my parents and them pretty much not recollecting nor feeling they inflicted much damage with their methods.
My parents worked to put a roof over my head, and food on the table. My emotional quandary really wasn’t that much of a priority now.
Here I am sharing this all with you to tell you that before becoming aware of my anger, that it dawned on me how it was actually keeping me back from pursuing things in a way that encompassed everyone.
I wonder what must that feel like, to feel trapped in our own toxic feelings..?