Required reading for one of my assignments at iPEC© is “Energy Leadership” written by Bruce D. Schneider, the founder of iPEC© and creator of the Energy Leadership Index E.L.I.. In it, Bruce discusses with a client the power of EI = IE. EI stands for emotional intelligence and IE stands for interpersonal effectiveness. Spoiler alert: Bruce recounts coaching a CEO on how activating this formula keeps you true to your inner intuition, connecting you more deeply with your work and your peers.
In my work with my clients, I have seen much cyclical thoughts on rationalization and intellectualizing some obstacle between or among people and there is somewhat of a power struggle with achieving the best win/ win outcome for everyone. When in discussion, typical thoughts around button pushing and judgmental thoughts arise. A sense of entitlement comes up and a division between people, their wants and needs and idea of what should be happening and not what could be happening. Just like with Bruce, I ask questions that get you to see from the opposing person’s perspective. Questions you may stop and ask yourself are, “What makes me think that person feels that way?” or, “What might it look like if that person agreed with me?” In an ideal situation, we could always get along and always feel each other’s needs. But what work has not happened yet to arrive to such a win/win outcome? There are perhaps physical or internal stipulations in a situation that make a win/win non-negotiable, however, what is it that you value most in an interaction with one or more people? What is it that you seek as an outcome? How would it feel for you to feel heard, validated or acknowledged? What is your intuition telling you in your relationship with this other person?
Feeling mentally suffocated and emotionally drained in a relationship is something we are all familiar with to varying degrees and it is completely normal to want to throw in the towel, so to speak. What is it your heart is saying to you? How do you want to feel in this relationship with this person? How do you want the other person to feel in concert with how you feel? It is okay to feel stuck, it is okay to feel mad and if you have been feeling void of any of the aforementioned thoughts while in the heat of the moment, then it makes complete sense why you would feel extreme stress, anxiety, feelings of being emotionally drained and mentally taxed. Another book, which I carry with me at all times, is Stephen Covey’s “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.” In it, Stephen discloses the key to harmonious relationships and the highest level of interpersonal effectiveness arises from transcendence of an outcome: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood®. “
What methods work for you when you are feeling completely wrung out in a relationship? If I may, as an energetic coach-to-be, ask what you envision for your relationship in the future? How might that look like? From what point of view do you look at your relationship from? Communication is essential in any relationship and exercising empathy is a way to complement your communication. Your thoughts influence how your perceive your reality. Energy attracts like energy. What are your options right now?
A habit that I am practicing twice daily is one I wish to share with you: think of three things that you are grateful for before you go to sleep. Sit in that and visualize those three things and be still. Breath in for five seconds, hold that breath, then breathe out for three seconds. Repeat three times and then go back to your regular breathing. Mindfulness, meditation, centering and being still have been scientifically proven time, and time again, to help diminish levels of anxiety, stress and illness. You’ve got this.
If this post resonated with you, share your thoughts below. If you feel you would like to learn more about EI = IE or you feel creating an action plan instead of feeling mentally suffocated and emotionally drained in a relationship is for you, I can help you here.